I am working on this Bride’s series-thing. It seems like it will be fun

I am working on this Bride’s series-thing. It seems like it will be fun.

I’ve been outlining the stories in the series. It may not seem like real work — and I’m having far too much fun to take it seriously — but it’s a needed task. Plus it has me doing something at least, even while my ability to work on my stories is crumpled up like a withered maple leaf.

* * *

How are you? I haven’t been writing as much as I would want, but sometimes it’s impossible to push the muse. Better to focus on other projects until things begin to loosen on their own. It usually only takes a couple of days (weeks, months, YEARS).

The Kid is playing next door. He got in a bit of trouble yesterday, but I can only punish him so much.

That’s the suckiest part of being poor: not having anything to take away as punishment. There comes a point, when the kid has nothing at all, that you just can’t use taking the X-box away as a punishment anymore, it feels cruel.

I have resorted to lectures. Long, boring, Leave It to Beaver-style lectures. It’s really beginning to work.

About me, well, there’s not much to say.

I’ve been in one of those head-spaces lately where I’ve been largely unable to communicate with other people.

It sucks when I realize I’m being a dick, but I can’t stop myself. My behavior is dictated by my slightly skewed mental health. It suddenly becomes impossible to open my mouth and get any words to come out, and the longer I take to respond, the more unease I feel at the idea of breaking the silence.

I obsess. It’s something I’ve always done. The girl-crushes and the boy-crushes and the mostly jealous eyeballing I’ve done … it’s all part of my bit of weird.

OCD, narcissistic, manic-depressive, and anxious: the main points that make me up as a person, along with my happiness, my joy, and my totally being there for my family even when I hate them-ness. I am more than my weird, but sometimes it’s the only part of myself that I can show.

I spend nearly all of my time in the half-awake dream state of my brain. I operate on AUTO-mode, my responses coming with very little input from my brain. It makes it very difficult for me to focus on more than one thing at a time.

(I should probably be on medication. But who can afford that? I need to get some stability before my paranoia will let me do anything. It’s near-to crippling at this point. [An interesting experience.])

I have to consciously force myself to be polite to the people in my life. The only one that I can manage regular kindness for is the Kid; everyone else just kind of sucks up the spillover of that.

I hate that I’m the distant figure in everybody’s lives. The background player as they go about their adventures and have their fun. But I have a hard time leaving the house.

Well, enough about that. Bottom line: I’m doing okay.

* * *

I’ve gotten my first patron donation on Patreon. I’m super grateful, and I’m trying to think up some cool content to add to my stream.

I’m currently working on my terrible short movie, lol.

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